I see you~! 8D

Fifteen

2009-12-21T20:14:14Z

Fifteen
Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
And you say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way

It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
"You know, I haven't seen you around before"

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out
Well, count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
Fifteen

You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool
We'll be outta here as soon as we can

And then you're on your very first date and he's got a car
And you're feeling like flying
And you're momma's waiting up and you're thinking he's the one
And you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends
When the night ends

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin 'round
But in your life you'll do things greater than

Dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen
When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

Your very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors
----

Kill me now~! XDD I'm having LSS w/ this song~ JOIN ME! Haahaha!!!

Hmmm... so when I was fifteen I was in 3rd yr. of high school. What did I do back then??

Hmmm... I was just going w/ the flow of being a high school student.
Nothing change much since then 'til now.
I think I was very much "emo" at that time. Hahaha!! Screw my immature mind back then.
School... Net... Fanfics... TV... Radio... Anime... ~~Study~~... Eat.. Sleep.
Yep! Pretty much the same as it is now.
Except I have no school now.
Since I've graduated college already.
Fifteen....
Fif...
TEEN!

hyase @ 2009-12-18T12:11:00

2009-12-18T03:55:05Z

~K.A.G.H~

While watching one of the Gazette's live concert in the computer, I got me reminiscing during my college days. ~~Meeh! I sound old! x.x~~ We used to joke around, the four of us - KAGH, that we should form a band. Hahaha!! Keen on piano/keyboard/vocals, Adi on vocals/guitar, Grac on drums... and guess what's mine...

TRIANGLE!!!! XDDDDD AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Damn! Until now it never ceases to put a smile on my face when remembering the suggestion that Adi made. XD Gawd! Really?! A Triangle?! XDD It's kinda lame, in my opinion. XD Well, the reason for it is I don't know how to play any instruments. >.< I tried to learn.. the guitar, even thinking of learning the piano.. but.. but.. my heart will always want to learn drums. But all of those were taken (if we ever formed the said band XD) And what kind of band that doesn't have someone playing bass guitar?! I think it's one of the essential things especially in forming the rhythm. Maybe I should do that! (again, if we ever formed the said band XD) Hahaha!!! But.. really? a triangle?? How the heck would they hear it?! XD Maybe in the beginning or ending with a loud *Ting!* (laughs)

I also remember that we even talked about the band's name... Hahaha!! Did we ever come up with one?? I don't think we ever did. Or was it called K.A.G.H. Hahahaha!! Again, like Allen Walker would say LAME! XDD Forming a group's name w/ the combined initials of your friends and your name. Hahahah!!! Hmm... what if we really did formed that said band?? What would it be like? Hahaha!!!!

Those were the times I miss hanging out w/ those girls~ I really miss hanging out with them. The four of us. Back then it was easy since we're in college but now, it's kinda hard keepin' up. Everyone is busy with work, personal life and etc. Or maybe the fact that one of us is in Australia.

Why did this entry become so emo-ish when a second ago I was laughing mentally for the "retardedness" we used to have back when we were in college?? Oh well, I just really missed those times~

hyase @ 2009-12-07T03:02:00

2009-12-06T18:45:41Z

it's like.... *stares*
OMG!!!!
....*blink* *blink*....
NO WAYYYYY!!!!!
*STARESSSSSSSSSSS*
and then... -.-
.... after that...
OoO
?????!!!!!!!

.... random *##(@*#&9*@&

XDDD

.... I really need a like.. I meant life.... XDDD
*induced by Dark Cherry Moccha Latte Venti~*
itsh wash vigggg~!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

hyase @ 2009-12-02T01:45:00

2009-12-01T17:28:09Z

How come whenever Christmas is coming, I tend to get tad emotional. I mean, c'mon! The last thing I need is to be crying... Well, things happen. Feeling shitty all of a sudden is one of them. I find myself listening to sad Christmas Songs... like My Grown Up Christmas List.. etc. etc. etc... Really now, this is the last thing I need. ;A;

Because of it, I found myself typing in youtube I Miss You Dad... and this came up...

And in an instant my tears kept on falling.. and falling.. falling... So do not need this right now. OTL Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!! Why did I even bother searching with that keyword. *sigh* I do really miss my dad... Birthday's coming up... Christmas and New Year also without him...

If Santa is real and he would grant any wish in this world, I would wish for my dad to be alive again.

Shit! Great, I'm ending this now 'coz I'm crying again and I don't want my mom seeing me like this...

----

It's been a year daddy

I really really miss you
Mommie says you're safe now
in a beautiful place called Heaven

We have your favorite dinner tonight
I ate it all up
even though I don't like carrots

I learned how to swim this summer
I can even open my eyes
when I'm under water

Can't you see me?

I started kindergarten this year
I carry around a picture of us
in my Blue's Clues lunchbox

You are the greatest daddy

I can swing on the swing by myself
even though I miss you pushing me

Can't you see me?

I miss how you used to tickle me
Tickle my belly
My belly hurts

I try not to cry
Mommie says it's ok

I know you don't like it when I cry
Never wanted me to be sad
I try daddy but it hurts
Is it true you're not coming home?
Maybe some day
I can visit you in Heaven, ok?

It's time for me to go to bed now
I sleep with the light on
just in case you come home
and kiss me good night

I love you so much
I miss you daddy
-----

hyase @ 2009-11-29T23:44:00

2009-11-29T15:27:26Z

I've been quite busy this November - with all the props making, cosplay shoots and conventions.

We planned the KHR shoot for sooooo long. It's the first for me attending in a shoot and convention as a cosplayer and also went to M3Con (read it here: http://hyase.deviantart.com/journal/28520747/). It's quite interesting to be part of a shoot as a cosplayer and not as my usual PA mode. But I kinda missed being part of the Behind-the-Scene crew. XDD Not that I'm complaining. But it's hard thinking of a pose. IIIOTL I'm not used to it unless I'm camwhoring. (Laughs) Especially having a cute character. oAo Very hard to portray. XD I'm not used to being cute. Hahaha!! Lambo is a annoyingly cute which is the exact opposite of me. ^^;; I'm all quiet *wink wink* (unless under the influence of alcohol or caffeine XD). Another shoot is on the works and I'm looking forward to it. Hope I'll do better this time. XD

Also yesterday, attended UP AME no Jidai. This is the first time I've attended UP AME eventhough they've hold this event for 8 years (?) now. What's amusing about this, UP AME is usually held in UP Diliman QC which is only a one jeepney ride away from my house but yesterday, it was held in A.Venue, Makati. I lol'ed at myself for attending the event when it's far from my house and not attending it when it's held near my house. XD Ahh well~! I was looking forward attending it because we thought Lyron (burikiboy) was cosplaying Alphonse Elric (Armor version) from FMA~! WEEEE~!!! I had my hopes up seeing it! 'Coz he's an awesome craftsman and all~ And me loves Alphonse ~~(armor)~~ to bits~ <3<3<3 But the sad part is HE DID NOT COSPLAY IT! Pushing it though Hero Con which will be held tomorrow. Though he showed us a picture of it, I WANT TO SEE IT PERSON!! It was hella awesome in pictures~!!!! oAo Soo tempted to go tomorrow... but... but.. I don't have any company to go with. T_T Usually, I go to con when kynasylvia attends but sadly she won't 'coz she running with a fever! T_T Aggghh!! Get plenty of rest, dear~ Hope you'll get better soon, Niisan~!!!! I'll just look forward to the pictures then~ 8D

Ohhhhh!!! Another thing, I was soo happy yesterday~!!!! kynasylvia and Naoko made my day (yesterday)!!!! Kyn hand me an Alphonse (armor version) figurine~!! YAYYYY!!!!! \o/\o/\o/ I was very hesitant to open the plastic but decided to open it in the end 'coz I wanna see it's awesomeness~ 8D Ahhhh!! Me is soo happy for this~ I'm soo gonna take care of it and won't let it collect dust. XD Until then he'll be put back into his plastic until I find an appropriate casing for him~! And the letter was short but cute esp. the drawing! Thanks kyn for the early birthday gift! *ARMOR GLOMP!!!!*

And before we left the venue, Naoko suddenly showed me something.... she was mumbling "...the pictures~ the pictures.." I was thinking "What pictures? Whose pictures?!!" I thought she's going to show me a picture of one of my cosplay crushes in Singapore. XDD 'Coz she just went back there a couple of days ago. But then she showed me two 3 x 5 group picture of the GazettE in their Before I Decay costume~ I squealleddd~!!! I couldn't help laughing and smiling at the same time! Hahaha!!! I'm such a dork! =P Actually, nowadays, in every cons, I roamed around the booths to see if they sell any GazettE's stuffs. XDD Ahhh! Naoko you beat me to it! Hahahaha!!! Before parting ways with her though, I asked one of it~! XDD I'm actually kinda half joking but she kindly hand one to me! Weee~!!! XDD I was kinda shy accepting it but she said take it since they are wearing the same costumes, only different posing. I also put it back to its plastic casing since I dunno where to put it. XDD Hahahaah!! Everytime I see it, I end up smiling. ^_____^ RUKIII~!! URUHAAA~!!! <3<3<3 Someday, I'm gonna see them live~! (I WISH! XD) Thanks Naoko~!

On another note, this week I dreamt of my dad. He was saying something to me but I couldn't quite get it 'coz I was crying sooooo hard. He just hugged me tight and trying to console me. But I just cried and cried and cried... When I kinda woke up (half awake) I was crying so much. But I ended up falling asleep again. *sigh* I guess, I just miss my dad very much. And it's his early birthday present to me, I guess that he showed up in my dreams. I wish he would visit again, this time me not crying. I just want to hug and talk to him. Aggghhhh!! Thinking about it is just making me teary eyed. I miss you badly! T_T

hyase @ 2009-11-17T04:37:00

2009-11-16T20:20:01Z

I've been to three wakes in the span of four months...
First was my father's...
then my friend's father...
and recently a distant relative of mine who's been in a coma for a year and a half..

The sudden death of these three people made me think how short life is...

This made me think of my own death... how will it be like?
Will I die of sickness? Or an accident? Or a brutal death?
Have I made enough effort to make an impact on someone?
Did I lived my life to the fullest?
Will the people miss me?
Or will they just go.. "Oh well, that's how life is.." and shrugged it off...

Questions are starting to build...
I feel like I haven't done anything in my life...
Then I guess it won't be my time anytime soon...

Before leaving, I want to know that I have made an impact...
...at least to one or two person is enough for me...

I know that death is part of life...
But a part of me is scared of it...

----
This tears me up whenever I watch this...

"... In the end, it's these small things that you remember... little imperfections that make them perfect... for you..."

Heavy Heart...

2009-11-03T18:36:31Z

I have this sudden urge to just cry... but my ducts won't let me. My heart is aching right now so to speak. Maybe after this entry, I'll end up crying. What started this you might ask... An hour ago I was doing my so-called work that my parents assigned me to do, this is concerning our family business. Doing data entry and such... What cause my heart to ache is whenever I see my father's name on the report...

This past few days, I've been thinking of him lately (again). I still miss him sooo badly. We all do... Those who haven't lost their parents or loved ones is such a blessing. Be thankful for it 'coz you'll never know when that time comes. To lose him in such a manner, makes my heart grow weary. People who lost their loved ones in sickness or old age are lucky because you still have the time to say goodbye and be prepared for it.You get to say "I love you", "I'll miss you" and all the things you wanted to say to them. And you'll be able to hug and kiss them for the last time... I didn't get that opportunity. The last time I saw him was inside his coffin - laying his cold, pale and decaying body. I've said it so so many times that I wish I could have hug or kiss him. Finally, my tear ducts gave in. I'm crying now... My heart aches... It's been a while since I cried about this...

When we visited him in the cemetery, my siblings and I are all gathered in my father's grave. I heard my mom saying in the background

"...they're savoring their (time with their) father..."

Yes mom, we are... I know deep inside, out of us all, you're the one who's hurting the most. And the one who's missing him the most... While we were around him, we kept reminiscing the old times... And then, I heard my sister saying that all the sickness that my dad was experiencing before he died was just all psychosomatic, to put it simply it's all in the head. Basically, he was still physically fit except for his diabetes which were being under control but other than that he was perfectly fine. This caused me more heartache... he could have lived 20 or 30 years more... He could have been here with us...

And this Christmas and New Year, without him here is just as painful. Just thinking about it makes me cry more. It just wouldn't be the same...

... as we were there, my older sister opened up about naming one of her children after my father. And my oldest sister was thinking of the same thing. My oldest sister's boyfriend even bet it that all of us will be naming one of our children after our father... Hmm... I've never thought of that because I never think I would get married and have a child. I don't know about my brother... but how cute will that be. Four cousins having the same first or second name. Hahaha!! As far as I know, my dad doesn't really fancy his name. Oh dad~! If ever that'll happen I wish you're here to see it. Wouldn't you be oh so proud of us? XD

.... with that I'll end this entry with a lyric song... A song from the GazettE... the song is Reila.

"Reila, Reila
I'm trying to call out your name,
but this voice does not reach you.
Reila, Reila
Open your eyes and laugh, show me, that it's all a lie."

-- full lyrics here: gazette_lyrics --

PS: As I was opening an application on my facebook account, this what appeared...

hyase @ 2009-10-28T02:23:00

2009-10-27T18:52:31Z

Lately, I feel like I'm aging. >A< Hahahaha!!! I'm sensing I'm aging physically and mentally. x.x Dunno if it's a good thing or bad thing. Maybe I'm experiencing...uhh... whatever they call it. (Laughs) I even asked my mom to buy me an eye cream! Because of that dark circles! Partially, I'm a fault 'coz lately I'm staying up late quite a lot! But seriously, I feel soooo old lately and I'M NOT THAT OLD YET! I'm still in my early twenties. XDD Maybe because in two months time, my age will be one year higher again. Growing old is inevitable. I guess~

To tell you honestly, me feeling like this is not good. OTL I haven't accomplished much in this lifetime yet! Well, it's my own fault anyway. I'm lazing around way too much. I can't seem to find the motivation to do things or find what will make my time worthwhile. My so-called work from my mom is piling up fast and I feel like I'm disappointing her in some way (though I'm not doing anything about it *laughs*) I'm also thinking that maybe my late-dad is also disappointed to me, somehow. You see, before he died, he said somethings that he wanted me to do. But I don't know what I will do about it! Aggh.. this is confusing. (/@_@)/

I also had a dream... it scared me a bit. I dreamt that my ex died of a heart attack. I'm in no way good terms with him ('coz he cut-off all communications with me) but even so, I'm not in anyway wishing something bad happening to him. I may have not talk or see him for almost 4 years now but the fact that I dreamt he died scared me a little bit. In my dream, it started someone texting me and saying that he died. It turns out the one who sent me the message is his current girlfriend. Now, I find that weird. XDD Anyway, as the dream progress, I was frantically finding the truth if it's true or not. I can't remember well how the dream ended though. I hope it's just a mere imagination of my subconscious. Maybe because the recent incident that happened to a friend of mine regarding with her ex had something to with this. XDD Hahaha!! Ok.. I think I'm just making excuses here. XDD

Anyway, lately, as I've said before, I'm bumming around a lot. There so many pending works to be done! XD (GET YOUR ASS OFF AND DO IT ALREADY!!!) The main reason is because this distraction so-called the NET! Hahaha!! Yes! I blame it on the internet! HAHAHAHA!! Due to my current obsession which is the GazettE, and plus the fact there soooooo many related things on them on the net, I can't concentrate. HAHAHAHA!!! They are really an addictive band~ XDD And I have 7 years of the GazettE related stuffs to catch up on~ XDD It's only now that I started knowing/listening to them and they've been around for seven years already. So yeah~ XDD When I'm obsessing for something I go for it 110%! For example, I happened to like a certain song, I would listen to it day and night on a loop~! XD That's what I did when I hear Yui's Again and Miho Fukuhara's Let It Out~~~ So yeah, my latest obsession is the GazettE! ♥♥♥♥~

And with that I leave you with this~

Uruha and Ruki~
(I officially like Ruki now~ XDD But my first love would still be Uruha~!<3)

Ok... stopping there for now~ XDD
(Disclaimer: This photos are not mine~ I
just happen to stumble them on the net
so thanks to the people scanned this~)

PS: It will be only a few days before November 1 and usually we spend it at the cemetery. Definitely this year, I will go. I'll visit my dad whom I miss dearly. It's not really the same without him. *sigh* Dad, I'll be seeing you soon! *hugs*

the GazettE Overload~ <3

2009-10-06T19:53:51Z

From their new single, Before I Decay~

Disclaimer: Before anything else, all photos uploaded in this entry does not belong to me. They belong to GazettE. Photos were found using Google and Facebook. Enjoy~Hahaha!!!

Another group photo of the GazettE~ <3<3<3

Thanks to a friend of mine, I've been converted to a GazettE fan~! Lol! She asked me to download one of their song and in an instant I love them~ I've been listening and watching videos of them for 4 days now. Hahaha!! Before and after I go to sleep, I listen/watch them~ They're so great. I especially love their live performances. Their an awesome musician. How I wish I could play like them. TAT (though I've quit playing guitars many many years ago) And especially when I saw, Uruha~! Man oh man! >///////< Yes, I'm crushing on Uruha~!! URUHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! <3<3<3<3

They are all great - Ruki, Kai, Keita, Aoi and Uruha... Oh man~ Uruha!! He plays the guitar soooo good (also Aoi) but I swear, especially in concerts, he plays his guitar as if he's making love with it. Hahahaha!!! He's so smexy! o3o So from this point onward MOAR URUHA LOVE~! Hahaha!!

Smile URUHA Smile~!! He's soooo cute here~! XDDDD

Uruha and his sexy thighs/legs~ *drools* \(*u*)/ Hahaha!!!
Show off those damn thighs/legs!!!

Uruha still looks good even with black hair~ 8D
1st pic: o.o He looks like a BJD here. o.o
2nd pic: Keep those poses coming~ 8D
3rd pic: <3<3<3<3

Oh man! THOSE LIPS!!!! *3* I love his lips and eyes.
(But for the eyes, maybe it's the make-up. XDD)

He's still HAWT! even with glasses! *u*

Awww~ <3<3<3 Smoke your heart's out~ URUHA!!! **u**

@(*u*)@ He's soooo beautiful.. YES! BEAUTIFUL!!! hahaahah!!! @(*u*)@

Again with the lips~ >////< I usually see him pose like this. Always leans back~

*sigh* I could never get enough of him!!! *u**u**u* URUHA!!!!!! <3<3<3

Ok, I'll stop there now. Hahahah!! I'm being rendered speechless anyway with those captions. XDDD kynasylvia pointed to me that, he reminds her of Mukuro Rokudo... I don't care if he does 'coz both of them are love~ hahaha!! But but.. Uru is different from Muku. I see them as entirely different. Hahaha!!! Uru-chan is freakingly beautiful while Muku-chan can also be beautiful but in a more manly way. Hahahah!!! Actually, I think I'm developing a gender crisis. XDD I'm really confused about my gender. Lol! I'm crushing a guy who is awesomely gorgeous and I'm also crushing a girl who is beautifully handsome. Has the world turned upside down? Guys being beautiful and girls being handsome?? Lol!! Besides that, I found out, I think I have a lips fetish. If you could call it a fetish. Lolz! I tend to notice my crushes lips. >////< They're always soo kissable. Hahahaha!!!!! URUHAAAAAAAAAA~!!!!!!!!!! <3<3<3

*breathes in, breathes out*

For other stuffs, I've watched the FMA: Brotherhood episode 26. WAAAAAAA!!!!!!! The last part was awesomeeeeee!!!!! The way Ed called for his brother Al. The way he said "Alphonse" made me teary eyed. And the way he opened the door again just to promise his brother that he will get him out of there. \(TAT)/ This anime (for me) is sooooo epic! I'm glad that kynasylvia poked me in watching it again and also reading the manga. Thanks kyn!!

So that's for now. Hahaahah!! I'll go now~ Ciao!!!! 8D

hyase @ 2009-10-03T08:28:00

2009-10-03T00:46:44Z

So I "activated" my twitter account. Hahaha!! Yup, I have one. I made it last May and never got around to use it until now. Dunno what compelled me to make one. 8D Hahaha!! Guess I'll make my short comments there. XD

As all of you know, last weekend was a pain. Ondoy (Ketsana) having struck havoc in the Philippines and our house is one of the houses affected by it. ;A; Though I was stranded in Makati, I really can't relax knowing that our house where slowly being submerged in water. The flood we experienced that day was far worst when Rosing hit our country last 2000 (I think). That time the water was only knee or thigh deep inside our house but Ondoy almost reached our 2nd flr! *faints* Now, there's another typhoon coming, Pepeng (Parma). Though it's not going to hit Manila directly, this super typhoon will wreck havoc in other provinces. AGGGHH!!! Flood... flood... floood.. x.x Hopefully, it won't cause that much but I doubt it. >A<

Have you heard that the flood in some part of Laguna will remain until December?! OMG!!! Those families... and Christmas is just around the corner. TAT

hyase @ 2009-09-21T01:43:00

2009-09-20T18:20:40Z

Hmmm... dunno what to 'say' really... I just felt like updating my journal since it's been a while since I updated it... Hmm... somehow this past few days, I'm kinda feeling 'lonely'... Hahaha!! Yes.. lonely... which got me to thinking what lies ahead in my future. I feel like I'm just drifting to this so-called life. Sigh. I really don't know what I really want to do. Me thinking is bad 'coz I end up thinking about unnecessary things - like how I missed having someone in my life, how I missed him, how I miss being a student and how I miss everything that's less complicated.

First of all, I'm gonna talk about the part when I say I missed having someone in my life... So this will sound a little hopeless romantic or emo-ish. Lolz! Anyway, before I had the taste of that so-called love, I was living my life being single and happy(?) until my 19th year, the year that I met him. I was looking far in the future being with him and all of it went down the drain. So a year passed, that so-called love striked again. Well, I was confused at that time and didn't knew any better. So I had a.. hmm.. what should call it... a fling, I guess. It went for a year but that too didn't end well. So now, a year has passed and I'm kinda missing having someone by my side. When my father died, during my father's wake, seeing my sisters having their boyfriends beside them.. seeing them having a shoulder to cry on... having someone to comfort them... Even my brother has his own, though it's his female best friend but before becoming best friends they were an item... seeing them together, it kinda throws you off and well depressing.. So I bombard myself with fictional characters I see in mangas and animes.. How hopeless could I get. Hahahaha!!!

Second in list, is I missed him... well two person that is my dad and my ex. I still miss my dad and I'm actually I'm losing hope that his case will be solved. I know it wont be solved after 2 months but I hoped it would progress.... well, it's still stagnant as it is. And you can't blame me for losing hope and belief that we would ever find the culprit. Sigh... They say it's an easy case, but if it's an easy case... why haven't they pinpointed/catch the culprit, huh??? (As I'm typing this I see a spider walking and stop in front of my dad's 'altar') As far for my ex, well... *points upward*

Third on the list, I miss being a student when all you think about is how to pass an exams, to pass paper/projects/assignments on time, not to be late and so on... Now, that I've graduated, and may I add for almost 2 years and 6 months already, I still haven't figured out what I wanted to do in my life. Like I stated earlier, I'm feel like I'm just drifting.. and why do I feel that I don't really need to prepare for the future. I feel like my stay in this world won't be that long.. not that I'm saying I won't grow old but I just been feeling like that ever since. And besides, I don't really want to grow old. 'Coz I also have a feeling that if I grow old, let's say grandma age, I'll be spending most of my time alone. Yes, I'm afraid of being alone when I grow old. Afraid that I'll die without anyone even knowing.

And listening to Kate Miller Heidke's song Last Day on Earth doesn't help either. XD

PS: I went to Manila International Book Fair... My mom drag me there, and I thought it was a good timing to see if there's any mangas being sold at a discounted price there but unfortunately there were NONE.. OTL.. Most books are educational books... o(-A-)o (then why must they call it a book fair if it does not cater to all TAT) But then again, I ended up buying 3 books... now I don't know how to read them all... /swt I bought 2 of Paulo Coehlo's books 'coz I've been interested in his books a few years back... And hey, it's discounted so *kaching* 8D And a book of Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle... what compelled me to buy this book is because it's a 600+ pages book for P149 only. Not bad. Not bad at all. Hahaha!! Besides, I kinda took a liking to his writing when I read Norwegian Wood. But really it was cheap and who am I to decline. Lolz! And good thing I took it out of the shelf because minutes later when I passed by it again, the stacked books are all gone. o.O;;

Look down - the ground below is crumbling
Look up - the stars are all exploding

It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams

Between the dust and debris
There's a light surrounding you and me

It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams

And you hold me closer than I can ever remember being held
I'm not afraid to sleep now, if we can stay like this until

It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams

In my head I repeat our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me - I love to lose my mind
And every time andybody speaks your name I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside

hyase @ 2009-09-04T14:56:00

2009-09-04T07:15:52Z

Happy 60th Birthday, Dad~!! I wish you were here with us.
Anyway, we're gonna visit you're grave later this day.
I miss you so much. You're presence without here has a major impact on us.
I wish you could have spend you're 60th birthday in the grand way like you wanted.
But will always remember you. *hugs*

I'm still sad that my dad is not here anymore and be able to celebrate his birthday. He wanted it to be celebrated in a special/grand way but I guess will just have to celebrate it in our own way. How I miss my dad so much. It feels like everything that has happened is not still not real. It feels like his on a vacation or something.

My dad is a good man - a good father and husband. He wanted to give us the best in life 'coz he experience how to be at the lowest. You gave us a wonderful life. All the riches in the world could never replace you. I just wish you would visit in my dreams. TAT

This is me and my dad when I was little. XD I miss the good 'ol days.

hyase @ 2009-09-01T16:35:00

2009-09-01T08:45:16Z

Gaaahhh!!! Finally they released the full version of Let it Out by Miho Fukuhara. I really really love the song. I also watched the MV of it. It gave me another goosebumps. So forgive me if I post this song too much, it's just that the song is freakingly awesome especially it's message~ <3<3<3<3

LET IT OUT

Let it all out, Let it all out
Tsuyogaranakute iindane
Dareka ga kaitetta kabe no rakugaki no hana ga yureru

(Let it all out, let it all out
You don't have to act so brave
The graffiti flower that someone painted on the wall sways)

Jibunrashisa nante daremo wakaranaiyo
Nagai nagai michi no tochuu de nakushitari hirottari
Kyuu ni samishikunatte naichau hi mo arukedo

(Nobody knows who their real selves are
Losing and finding things in the middle of this long, long road
There are days where we feel alone and we feel like crying, but...)

Namida mo itami mo hoshi ni kaeyou
Ashita wo terasu akari wo tomosou
Chiisaku mayottemo futari de tsukurou
Hoshikuzu wo tsuyoku hikaru eien wo sagasou

(Change these tears and this pain into stars
Turn on the light that will shine on tomorrow
I may feel small and full of doubt
But together, we'll create stardust and search for an eternity that glows so brightly)

Let it all out, Let it all out
Tarinai koto darake dayone
Tarinakute iindane dakara kimi to deaetanda

(Let it all out, let it all out
I'm so full of weaknesses
Because I've met you, it's alright to not be good enough)

"Tashika" ga nannanoka sorega shiritakute
Chiisana NAIFU wo kutsushita ni kakushiteta
Tsuyogatte tsuita uso no hou ga zutto itakatta

(What will happen "for certain"? That's what I want to know
I hid a small knife in my sock
It always hurt to put on a brave face and lie)

Hontou wa kowaiyo dakedo ikiteku
Egao no kimi wo kaze ga nadeteku
Chiisana te kazashite futari de tsukurou
Hoshikuzu wo tsuyoku hikaru eien wo sagasou

(It's really frightening, but regardless we'll keep on living
The wind gently caresses your smiling face
We'll hold out our small hands and together
We'll create stardust and search for an eternity that glows so brightly)

Tadashii koto ga machigattetara dousurebaii?
Kanashii koto ga tadashikattara ukeirerudake?
Nakushita to omotteta demo kimi ga shitteta
Kimi ga ite hontou ni yokatta

(What should I do if I misjudge what is right?
If sad things are what's right, should I just accept it?
I thought I was lost, but then I knew you
I really am glad that you're here)

Namida mo itami mo hoshi ni kaeyou
Ashita wo terasu akari wo tomosou
Chiisana te kazashite futari de tsukurou
Hoshikuzu wo tsuyoku hikaru eien wo

(Change these tears and this pain into stars
Turn on the light that will shine on tomorrow
We'll hold out our small hands and together
We'll create stardust, an eternity that glows so brightly...)

Sayonara itsuka wa kurukamoshirenai
Kisetsu wa soredemo meguri megutteku
Chiisaku mayottemo aruiteku
Kimi to aruiteku soredake wa kawaranaideiyoune

(Farewells may come one day
But still, the seasons will come and go
I may feel small and full of doubt
But I'll walk, I'll walk with you
That's the one thing I'll never change)

Taken from fm_alchemist

Procrastination.. much??

2009-08-27T10:53:01Z

I'm writing again. I just want to hear the keyboards clicking. Hahaha!!! Anyway, this entry is much much lighter to the previous entry. I don't want to think about it 'coz quite frankly I'm still irritated.

Anywayyyyyy.... I've been putting off things lately. I have 4 months of bookkeeping reports to type; 5 cosplay related things to do - 4 props and 1 costume detailing. Hahaha!! Out of the 4 props, 3 of which I was planning to do earlier this year but somehow I have procrastinated too much for my own good. Now I only have like 1.5 months to do it. Hahahah!! Oh well, I'm planning on scratching one out. It's either the plushie or the prop itself. If I don't get the materials by September I might not do the props at all. Hahaha!! Or maybe do a simpler props for that character. I'm not feeling on doing it yet, but I'll do it. And besides I still have to buy somethings like glue and stuffs.

Well for now, it's been two days since I started reading random mangas. Hahaha!! Hmm.. nothing in particular but mostly BL mangas. Hahahaha!! I do read those stuffs especially when I was in high school. But unlike before, I don't gush over it that much. I also started reading Rust Blaster. I think the author, Toboso Yana, also the author of Kuroshitsuji, has some inkling to BL's. Hahaha!! It's just that the main character and supporting characters are mostly males. Hahaha!! But I haven't finished on reading it yet even if it's only six chapters. I'm kinda lazy. Hahahaha!! Sometimes I just wanna read light mangas and do away with all the magic, angel/demon, samurai, fairy and etc. stuffs.

I'm also cutting the details for a certain costume. Hohohoho!! After I'm finished I wish it will turn out okay. *prays* I hope it would look "natural". The costume detailing I'm doing is for a character that is annoyingly cute. Hahaha!! He is cute but quite sometimes can be quite annoying especially his antics. Hahaha!!

Ok... I have nothing left to say... Ciao for now~! *off to reading more mangas and cutting fabrics*

EDIT: OMG!!!!!!!! MUKURO IS BACK!!!!!!! XDDDDD I've read the spoiler for the next chapter of KHR and and and MUKU-CHAN IS BACKKKKK~!!!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3 After MIA-ing (since chp 169) for soooo longgg he's back~ <3<3<3<3 XDDD *done fangirling XD*

The only refuge I have now...

2009-08-26T14:28:48Z

Why do parents try to dismiss every opinion you have? And when they do it feels like they never acknowledge you. Like your only a kid to them. And always be one. It's not like you're trying to "replace" the authority. Then, you'll feel like shit for even telling your own opinion. When in fact, you see it's the most practical one.

Maybe, I'm the wrong one here. I'm just stubborn to admit it. But then again, parents could be stubborn too. The root of it all is some petty arguments that could have been not a big deal. But why answer in such a hostile manner? Like I'm trying to be the authoritative one. Is it because I'm a kid, just a mere child? I'm just trying to say the fact because I'm the one seeing it and not you. I'm the one who's always here and not you. I guess from now on I'm going to keep my mouth shut to prevent this shitty feeling.

Gah! I feel so lonely now. This blog is the only refuge I could go to now. Being coup up inside this house for God knows how long is also straining me. The only time I could be myself and feel relax is when I'm with my friend(s). But you don't let me because of the circumstances - the only thing that's keeping me in contact of the "outside" world. Now, I have no where to go. I now understand my father for having a "place" for refuge. I miss being with my friend(s) every weekend. Just the freedom of being outside because that's the only time I could be real. This feels so lonely. Times like this how I wish I'm working at a graveyard shift or even owning my own condo or apartment or house. I know that doesn't make any sense. Aggh! How I wish I have a place of refuge where I could let go of this shitty feelings and smoke to my hearts content. And BE THE REAL ME.

The saying is true, that you'll only feel the importance of a certain thing when it's already gone. My life has taken a 360° turn. This house will be much much lonelier in the succeeding months. Even though, I'm not close to everyone, still this house will feel emptier than usual.

They usually say what you're heart feels.

2009-08-20T22:02:52Z

LET IT OUT - MIHO FUKUHARA
Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood Ending Song

Let it all out, Let it all out
Tsuyogaranakute iinda ne
Dareka ga kaitetta
Kabe no rakugaki no hana ga yureru

Jibun rashisanante, daremo wakaranai yo
Nagai nagai michi no tochuu de nakushitari, hirottari
Kyuu ni sabishiku natte, naichau hi mo aru kedo

Namida mo itami mo hoshi ni kaeyou
Ashita wo terasu akari wo tomosou
Chiisana te kazashite futari de tsukurou
Hoshikuzu wo tsuyoku hikaru eien wo

Sayonara itsuka wa kuru kamoshirenai
Kisetsu wa soredemo meguru megutteku
Chiisaku mayottemo aruiteku kimi to aruiteku
Sore dake wa kawaranaide iyou ne

ENGLISH

Let it all out, Let it all out
I don’t have to act tough, right?
The scribbling someone made..
On the wall, of a flower is swaying

No one knows their true selves
Even though we both lose and gain
By embarking on this long, long path
And though there may be days loneliness strikes
and makes us weep..

Let’s transform our tears and pains to stars
Let’s light a candle to illuminate our tomorrow
And we’ll hold our small hands over the fire to create stardust
An eternity that shines so brilliantly

Farewells may be unavoidable
Yet the seasons continue to change obliviously
Even if I lose myself, I’ll continue to walk
Walk by your side
That’s the one thing I’d like to never change

---

Eversince I heard the song, I fell in love with it. The tune was catchy. And nonetheless the lyrics are sad and meaningful. (BTW, this is not the complete lyrics) The last paragraph really struck me the most. It so timely for what has been happening in my life. Like the lyrics says, farewells may be unavoidable but I need to be strong and continue with life.

---

Ever since I've watched FFVII:ACC, I'm fell in love with it ~~again~~ that I began watching Crisis Core video clips in youtube. Though I didn't play the game, 'coz I don't have my own PSP, the ending was just plain sad. TAT The reason I'm posting this really is the song, Why by Ayaka. The ending of FF:CC is just an added bonus. =P And to let you see the bishieness and bishoujoness that rarely exist in the real world.

---

WHY - AYAKA
Final Fantasy Crisis Core Ending

hitomi no oku ga boyakete mienai
kokoro no soko no kimochi wa aru no?
sekai no subete wo te ni shita to shite mo
sore ga anata no shiawase na no?

Why kodoku na sora wo miageru no?
Why waratte misete yo
kotoba ni suru no ga heta na
anata no seikaku wakaru kara

tooi mukashi ni nani ga atta no?
shisen wo sorasu anata no hitomi ni
hitori de samishii yoru ni dakishimerareru
sonna atatakasa shitteru?

Why? doushite katachi ni kodawaru no?
Why? kokoro wo hiraite
ookina nimotsu wo seotta
anata wo uke irerareru chikara
aru wa shinjite mite...

jiyuu na hito wa bukiyou de...
jiyuu na hito wa fuan de...

Why kodoku na sora miageru no?
Why waratte misete yo
kotoba ni suru no ga heta na
anata no seikaku wakaru kara
shinjite mite

Why...

ENGLISH

Your inner eye has clouded over so much that it’s impossible for you to see.
Does any emotion still reside within the depths of your heart?
Having the entire world at your fingertips,
Is that what you consider happiness?

Why? Why do look up into the lonely heavens?
Why? Can’t you laugh a little?*
I understand this character of yours –
This disposition that is incapable of putting anything into words.

What was it that came to be in your sequestered past?
These eyes of yours, they refuse to meet the world.**
All alone with only the lonely night to cradle you,
Is this the warmth that you have come to know?

Why? Why are you so concerned with the way you look?
Why? Can you not open up your heart a little?
You’ve been taxed by this heavy burden for so long,
It’s time that you learn to accept yourself.
Have more faith in yourself...

It is those who are free that are stumbling...
It is those who are free that are insecure...

Why? Why do you look up at the lonely sky?
Why? Can you not laugh, even slightly?
I can appreciate
This reticent character of yours.
You only have to try to believe...

Why...?
---

Like Let it Out, I instantly fell in love with the song. There's a certain ring to it. Let me quote, "It's time that you learn to accept.."; acceptance is one thing I'm working on right now. All of us in our family are working on it. We can see that our mother is still in denial. She says she felt that my father is only in the US having a vacation. And it's a little odd to see my mother not going to my father's grave, it's over a month now. When her mother's mother died aka my grandmother, week after the funeral, she often goes to the my grandmother's grave for a year or so. But to see my mother, not even once going there after the funeral is just a little strange. It's still painful as it is. But sooner or later, we have to accept that my dad is now gone but his memories would remain.

---

When I saw this video, I couldn't help but cry. It touched my heart and saw how our family was like during my father's funeral. Though we didn't give my dad a "proper" eulogy, all I want to say to him is how much we love him and cherish all the things he had done for us.

Kadaju~!!!! <3<3<3

2009-08-16T03:53:12Z

So I've watched Final Fantasy VII Advent Children Complete (whew! that's a mouthful~) AND AND!!!!!!!!!!! I'M DEFINITELY IN LOVE WITH KADAJ!!!!! *rofl* Kadaj, why are you so hot yet sooooo gay!?! Hahahaha!! FFAC has so many beautiful and handsome people. I don't believe that God made soooo many people that are handsome and beautiful and be at one place. @(>o<)@

As I watched it, it's as if it's my first time again to watch FFAC. XDD Somehow, over the years I've completely forgotten the story and the movie, though some parts are familiar, but mostly I don't remember it. OTL I'm soooooooo gonna watched it again. :))

Anyway, Kadaj is <3<3<3 He's so lonesome and wants the warmth of a mother... (Come here~ And I'll give you warmth! Hahaha! >////<) The final scene was TAT... awww... Kadaj.... I can't say anymore but only KADAJJJJJJJ!!!!!!!!! <3<3<3<3<3

Sepphy-baby is also <3<3<3 but but.. I'm leaning towards more to Kadaj. XDD I don't what is it with me and gay-ish characters. XDD

"Is that you...Mother?"
I really love love this scene~ <3<3<3<3

A Month and Counting

2009-08-08T00:35:59Z

It's almost a month since my dad died. I still miss him as much. Everyday seems to pass by us but I know in my heart, we all miss him. How odd it is that everything changes because of one person. I still cry from time to time whenever I think of it. And there are times when tears flow unknowingly. And there are times when as if I'm an actress and was asked to cry on queue.

There would be times that I would talk to myself pretending that I'm talking to my dad. Hoping that in some supernatural way he could hear me. I really wish he would visit me in my dreams. I want to hold him, talk to him and etc. I've been repeating myself over and over again. But really, I can't find myself not thinking of it.

Times like this I wish I have supernatural powers and send those bastards, whoever did this to my dad, to hell. If only I have Mukuro's powers and I would have already send those bastards to hell. Or how I wish that there is really a website for Jigoku Tsushin and I would ask Enma Ai for revenge. So many far-fetched wishes.

What happened to my dad has taken a toll on us especially to my mom, who as the days passed is starting to get tired from all the 'unfinished business' that my dad left. There's so many things to think of. So many things to be done. But I know in the end, after all this chaos, will be able to find justice for our dad. That's what we hope and pray.

Anyway, nothing much happened ever since my dad died. I'm almost always coup up in our house because who knows what danger lurks around. Because what happened to my dad is not a simple robbery case or an accident but a murder. How I wish that time travel is real. If only I could turn back time and re-live the moments with my dad. If I could come back again in the past, how I wish I could have warn him the danger that will occur that day. But all I have to do now is to accept... but it might take time... It might take years... until my dad's case put into rest. And dad is able to find justice.

I now can smile, eat and sleep... unlike that day, when everything seems a blur. All I could do was cry and my mind could not comprehend the things that happened. One moment I was with my dad and next thing I knew he was killed. Though I could smile now and do the things I usually do, my heart is still aching for the loss of a great man in our life. Dad, just for once, hopefully I could see you in my dreams.

Kids are way too honest...

2009-07-29T01:58:47Z

I have this little brother, his name is Joel. He is only 6 years old and like us he misses our dad very much. And his emotions are way too honest that makes me on the brink of tears just thinking about it. One day he asked our househelper

"Babalik pa ba si Daddy?"
Our househelper answered him...
"Hindi na. Pag nasa heaven na, dun na sya."
Then my little brother said...
"Kahit sungit si Daddy, alaala ko pa din sya."

----
**Translation
"Is dad still coming back?"
"Nope. Once he went to heaven, he won't be coming back."
"Eventhough dad is usually irritable, I still think of him."
----

Times like this I wished my dad was still with us. It breaks my heart to see him like that. It brings tears to my eyes. There's another incident wherein he has an assignment and he was asked to write a prayer. I helped him but I asked want he wanted to write, so the content is entirely his. He wrote:

Dear Jesus,
Paggalingin si Daddy. Miss ko na po si Daddy. Salamat po, Lord. Love Joel.

----
**Translation
Dear Jesus,
Make my Daddy healthy again. I miss my Daddy. Thank you, Lord. Love Joel.
----

How I wish that my brother didn't lose our father at an early age. It makes me frustrated and wished who ever did that to my dad will feel hell's wrath. Taking someone's life is NOT God's will but human's evil doing.

Dad, if you're reading this, I hope you're able to feel that we all miss you and love you. Even if you and Joel would always have petty arguments, hope you know he loves you very much.

(I'm sorry if you're tired of reading an entry about my dad but I really just miss him. And still couldn't accept that he died that way.)

Life must go on

2009-07-25T22:04:18Z

I still miss my dad. We miss him very much. It's been 12 days since he died and I still can't comprehend that he's not with us anymore. My siblings and my mother are staying in one room still missing our dad. How we wished this was all a nightmare and soon will wake up from it. Sometimes, I just think that he's in his "favorite place" and taking his break from all the hoopla of the city that anytime soon he'll be back from his so-called "trip"; and I'll be able to hear his voice again.

Though I could smile from time to time, when I'm alone in my thoughts I would cry. As I'm typing this entry, I'm on the brink of crying again. How I wish I could have spend more time with him. While looking at my dad's things, here and there we stumble a prayer or two and I realized that for the last two years (from the files I saw) my dad is a lonely man. He was sad and I could feel it. How I wish I knew and I could have been there for him. Though I know he wouldn't share anything to me, I just wish for that last two years I could have put a smile on his face. How I wish I could have been an affectionate daughter to him. I miss him dearly. But I know I must live my life 'coz I know he wouldn't be happy if he saw us like this.

It's funny that the latest book that my dad bought has the title of "1001 Gardens You Must See Before You Die". I don't know if it's just coincidental or what. Well, at least he have seen it before he died, even if it's only in the book.

Everyday I would talk to him... saying to him to help us... saying I love... saying I miss you... saying all the things I could have said when he was living. There so many what if's... but I know they will all be what if's. Dad, if you're reading this I want to say again and again, I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU. =)

This major event in our life made me re-think of all the things I've done and how life is short lived. Compared to all the "problems" I've encountered this is by far the hardest and hurt the most. Years would pass and I would accept that my dad's already not with us but the pain of losing someone in that way will always remain.

I know this is irrelevant with my dad but I realized now how the Elric brothers (Fullmetal Alchemist) felt when they lost their mother. How painful it is and thinking if only you could turn back time. I only wish that you could revive someone, but I know it's impossible. I just wish that my dad is having the time of his life in the other life and seeing all the things he wants to see while he was still living.

As this entry's title state life must go on for me and for my family. Dad, wherever you are give us your guidance to get through the day.

----

Anyway, last July 22 I've picked up a package from the post office. That package was already there on the 16th but I received the notice on the 20th; afaik, most packages are held three days upon arrival in customs. I almost forgot about it much less expected it to arrive. Here it is:

It's a Yamamoto and Gokudera Yujin Gashapon of KHR. I ordered it last July 01. And it arrived safely and well-packaged. It comes in pieces. You can take the head, arms, sword for Yama, and the stand apart.

8059~ <3<3<3<3 Lolz! I'm more of a 6918 fan. XDD

I wanted to put a dialogue on this 'collage' photos but I couldn't think of any script. Lolz! I'm not much of a writer. This was made with the comic application on my brother's Mac. XDD I'm getting used to using his laptop. When I think about it there's not much of a difference between a macOS and windows. Hmmm.. what is the difference anyway. XD I'm still more comfortable using a PC than a laptop because the screen of a laptop varies depending on how you angle it.

That's pretty much how my life goes on this days. Surely, I'll be back out there... someday.

Tired...

2009-07-20T07:09:08Z

I feel so tired... even though I have enough sleep I'm still exhausted. I try to smile but I know behind that smile my heart is still aching. I want to stop the tears from falling but I can't. How could I forget something so inhumane being done to my dad. The house seems so quiet now though we're trying to live life as usual. Tomorrow will be as painful as yesterday.

My mother, brother and sister will soon work again and I'll be left alone with my little brother and house helpers and during those time, I'll probably miss my father. Seeing him walking around the house, lying in the couch in front the tv and watching his favorite shows. Words won't express how much I'll miss him. Dad, your last words to me I'll always keep them at heart. I'll try my best to be the daughter you want me to be.

During the first night without my dad, me and my family slept in one room. The room where my mom and dad sleeps. It heart breaks me not seeing my dad without us.

-----

DANCE WITH MY FATHER AGAIN - LUTHER VANDROSS

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then

Spin me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure
I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again

Ooh, ooh

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah, yeah
Then finally make me do just what my mama said

Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he
Would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear her, mama cryin' for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I'm prayin' for much too much
But could You send back the only man she loved
I know You don't do it usually
But Lord, she's dyin' to dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream.

My Beloved Father

2009-07-18T20:23:11Z

I'm at my father's wake waiting for Mr. Sandman to come. Almost everyone has fallen asleep... my mother, brothers and sisters, and as well as some of the extended family members. I guess I won't be sleeping anytime soon. That's why I'm here.

There's only approximately around 8 hours or less before we say our final goodbye to my father. I'm sad that I won't ever see him again... breathing, talking, walking and etc. I've said this already like a broken record, I MISS YOU, DAD. You've been away from us for only a couple of days and this is how much I MISS YOU. What more when reality sinks in... It might take sometime before I could accept wholeheartedly that this is the reality that God gave for my family.

You know, dad, even if we don't talk to much whenever you're at home whenever you're not around I would always ask "Nasaan si Dad?" It has been like a mandatory question for me to ask that whenever you're not around. There are a lot of things I would miss about you. I would miss it whenever you'll call me or look for me because you have something for me to type in the computer. I also remember whenever you're getting dress, I usually ask "Saan ka pupunta?". I would miss you saying to us it's time for your favorite teleserye and after watching your favorite shows you would sleep and sometimes I would look at you. I would miss the times when you would ask me out of the blue to come with you to eat out or go golfing with you. I would miss those moments we shared together. I would miss seeing your face so relax whenever you're in your favorite place. I would miss everything about you, dad.

I want to stare your sleeping face inside your coffin all day, just to memorize every wrinkles and every corner of your face. I want to stay beside you until we say our final goodbye. I know you're happy there - the other side - I guess, you're making that place a haven of green pastures and a garden of roses. You're there sitting under a tree, feeling the wind hitting your face and smiling... feeling at peace.

Dad, I would probably continue writing to you over and over again. And probably I would say the same things over and over again. (So dad learn how to use a computer there, ok?) Dad, lend us your guidance. Dad, I want to hug, kiss and talk to you; say things I haven't said even if it's in a dream. As always, I want to say to you that I love you, my father.

Things change....

2009-07-16T07:19:47Z

I don't know if I'll ever recover from the tragic loss of my father.

He was a kind, gentle-hearted person. He was a good provider and a loving parent. It heartbreaks me that I loss him because of such incident.

I try to occupy myself with other things that's why you see me online. Surfing, chatting and whatever I could think of just to occupy myself and forget for a moment what happened to my father. But whenever I'm alone, I'm always crying and wishing this is all a bad dream and anytime soon I'll wake up from it. But as days passed, it seems all what has happen is real. My father is already dead and I have to accept that. But it's really hard 'coz his death was tragic and unjust.

I was the last person to be with him in my family before the tragic incident happened. If only I knew it was the last time I'll see him, I would have hug him tightly, kiss him and tell him how much I love him. If only I knew that those things would have happen, I wouldn't have let him go and told him just stay here with me and don't ever go. To me, I'm very close to my father. Though I don't share my secrets with him, I always felt that we have this special bond. We share a lot of things, even have the same style of sandals. I enjoyed every minute and every moment that I'm with him. How I wish I could turn back time and and re-live the moments that I'm with my father. I REALLY REALLY MISS HIM.

It seems so quiet now in our house. I remember he's always the first person to wake up. And everytime he wakes up he would come down, try to watch TV ("try" 'coz he always fell in and out of sleep everytime he watch). He would casually ask what time is it and when it's time to take his medicine, he would open the medicine cabinet rummage through the plastic and drink his medicine. If he saw me eating breakfast, he would ask what's the food, and if doesn't like it he would cringe and try to find another food to his liking. He would walk around in circles inside our house every morning. It's his form of exercise. I remember the look on face whenever he is in the garden taking care of his plants and fishes. He was a simple person. I see in him that he wants to live again in the countryside, away from all the hoopla of the city.

Dad, wherever you are I miss you so much. Sorry for the times, I've made face to your request or didn't oblige to your requests. I hope you know how much I love you. While you were still alive, I rarely able to say those words but I hope you knew. I hope now those words could reach you. I love you, Dad. I want to hug you tighly and don't want to ever let go! I'm proud to say that I'm your daughter and that I resembles you (many people say that). I want you to know I'm proud to have you as my father and I don't dream of replacing you. You did everything you could for this family and thank you for that. Even if you think it's not sufficient... Dad, I want to let you know YOU'RE AN AWESOME DAD! I LOVE YOU.

Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

2009-07-13T17:30:53Z

OMG!!! For a second there, I thought I've broken my brother's camera. TAT

*whew* Good thing it wasn't |||OTL Blasted batteries!!

@^#&@^&*#^&*@@^#&@^&*#^&*@@^#&@^&*#^&*@@^#&@^&*#^&*@

IT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU THAT I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK!!! I was in the middle of taking a picture a while a go and while processing the photo the camera went dead! >A< When I tired turning on the camera again. IT WONT EFFIN' OPEN!!!! @&#*@&^#&*@&^* My rational mind is telling me it's just the batteries ....calm down. SO I charge the batteries for a couple of minutes..... insert it into the camera.... and VIOLA! The camera's working again. XDDD

Those batteries are a pain. Even if I charge them overnight those things easily loose it's battery life. *facepalm* I don't know if it's old that it's need changing. Oh what the heck?! It's still working so it's fine. I WON'T BUY 'COZ RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES ARE DAMN COSTLY!!!! (/>A<)/

Hahahaha!! When it comes to this I'm so cheap. But when buying pretty "useless" stuffs I buy them or WANT to buy them. Like the KHR figurines. LOL! Or me tempting to buy the FMA manga I saw in Trinoma but it's quite expensive since it's an import product. BUT REALLY I'M TEMPTED TO BUY!!!!!!!!!! Times like this I wish I am in the US 'coz it's easily available there since VIZ publishing is in the US.

DAMN FMA! I'M SOOOOOO ADDICTED TO YOU NOW!!! XDDDD Another thing to like about the new FMA is Miyano Mamoru. Hahahahaha!!! I love that seiyuu. I love his voice sooooo much. Such flexible voice~ <3<3<3<3

Anyway, I went to my dentist for the TMJ theraphy and the dentist told me that I need braces after that... WTF?!?!?! Are you f*****g serious?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE TELL ME IT'S LIE!!!!!! That you're lying to me!!!! >A<

@^#&@^&*#^&*@@^#&@^&*#^&*@@^#&@^&*#^&*@@^#&@^&*#^&*@

*breathe in breathe out*

Ohh well, I'll just face it when the time comes which if my calculations are correct soon enough. Coz' I only have 2 more theraphy left and one is scheduled in August 3. And after that the last theraphy then comes phase 2 which are those f******g braces! TAT

Again~

2009-07-03T06:30:20Z

I think I'm going to be sick! (Let's hope not! TAT) I've been coughing out phlegm and it hurts my throat like hell. It's a dry cough, mind you. It's one of the sickness I'm trying to avoid. I HATE COUGH! It's uncomfortable, disrupt your sleep (as if I'm sleeping, hahahaha!!) and furthermore IT HURTS! o3o

I hope I won't develop a fever. Usually when having cough I also develop fever. |||OTL

I think I smoke way too many for my own benefit last Wednesday when I met up with a friend. Though it's not that many, just a couple of sticks but combining it with cold softdrinks is baadddd!! TAT And I don't have a menthol candy accompanying the cigarette which what I usually do. Siiggh... Oh well, I'm gonna stay away from it until I recover. Right now, no more cold drinks. Hahahaah!!

Anyway, I've been listening to Yui's Again over and over and over and over and over... you get my point. Hahahaha!! I just love the song. Hehehe!!
And I just saw this in youtube~

Yui is pretty and the video rocks. Hahaha!! Or is it just me?~ Lolz! Yes! I'm still on my FMA high! Hahahaha!!!