First was my father's...
then my friend's father...
and recently a distant relative of mine who's been in a coma for a year and a half..
The sudden death of these three people made me think how short life is...
This made me think of my own death... how will it be like?
Will I die of sickness? Or an accident? Or a brutal death?
Have I made enough effort to make an impact on someone?
Did I lived my life to the fullest?
Will the people miss me?
Or will they just go.. "Oh well, that's how life is.." and shrugged it off...
Questions are starting to build...
I feel like I haven't done anything in my life...
Then I guess it won't be my time anytime soon...
Before leaving, I want to know that I have made an impact...
...at least to one or two person is enough for me...
I know that death is part of life...
But a part of me is scared of it...
----
This tears me up whenever I watch this...
"... In the end, it's these small things that you remember... little imperfections that make them perfect... for you..."
- Mood:
blank - Music:Mayakashi - the GazettE
This past few days, I've been thinking of him lately (again). I still miss him sooo badly. We all do... Those who haven't lost their parents or loved ones is such a blessing. Be thankful for it 'coz you'll never know when that time comes. To lose him in such a manner, makes my heart grow weary. People who lost their loved ones in sickness or old age are lucky because you still have the time to say goodbye and be prepared for it.You get to say "I love you", "I'll miss you" and all the things you wanted to say to them. And you'll be able to hug and kiss them for the last time... I didn't get that opportunity. The last time I saw him was inside his coffin - laying his cold, pale and decaying body. I've said it so so many times that I wish I could have hug or kiss him. Finally, my tear ducts gave in. I'm crying now... My heart aches... It's been a while since I cried about this...
When we visited him in the cemetery, my siblings and I are all gathered in my father's grave. I heard my mom saying in the background
"...they're savoring their (time with their) father..."
Yes mom, we are... I know deep inside, out of us all, you're the one who's hurting the most. And the one who's missing him the most... While we were around him, we kept reminiscing the old times... And then, I heard my sister saying that all the sickness that my dad was experiencing before he died was just all psychosomatic, to put it simply it's all in the head. Basically, he was still physically fit except for his diabetes which were being under control but other than that he was perfectly fine. This caused me more heartache... he could have lived 20 or 30 years more... He could have been here with us...
And this Christmas and New Year, without him here is just as painful. Just thinking about it makes me cry more. It just wouldn't be the same...
... as we were there, my older sister opened up about naming one of her children after my father. And my oldest sister was thinking of the same thing. My oldest sister's boyfriend even bet it that all of us will be naming one of our children after our father... Hmm... I've never thought of that because I never think I would get married and have a child. I don't know about my brother... but how cute will that be. Four cousins having the same first or second name. Hahaha!! As far as I know, my dad doesn't really fancy his name. Oh dad~! If ever that'll happen I wish you're here to see it. Wouldn't you be oh so proud of us? XD
.... with that I'll end this entry with a lyric song... A song from the GazettE... the song is Reila.
"Reila, Reila
I'm trying to call out your name,
but this voice does not reach you.
Reila, Reila
Open your eyes and laugh, show me, that it's all a lie."
-- full lyrics here:
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
gazette_lyrics --PS: As I was opening an application on my facebook account, this what appeared...
- Mood:
sad - Music:Reila - the GazettE
To tell you honestly, me feeling like this is not good. OTL I haven't accomplished much in this lifetime yet! Well, it's my own fault anyway. I'm lazing around way too much. I can't seem to find the motivation to do things or find what will make my time worthwhile. My so-called work from my mom is piling up fast and I feel like I'm disappointing her in some way (though I'm not doing anything about it *laughs*) I'm also thinking that maybe my late-dad is also disappointed to me, somehow. You see, before he died, he said somethings that he wanted me to do. But I don't know what I will do about it! Aggh.. this is confusing. (/@_@)/
I also had a dream... it scared me a bit. I dreamt that my ex died of a heart attack. I'm in no way good terms with him ('coz he cut-off all communications with me) but even so, I'm not in anyway wishing something bad happening to him. I may have not talk or see him for almost 4 years now but the fact that I dreamt he died scared me a little bit. In my dream, it started someone texting me and saying that he died. It turns out the one who sent me the message is his current girlfriend. Now, I find that weird. XDD Anyway, as the dream progress, I was frantically finding the truth if it's true or not. I can't remember well how the dream ended though. I hope it's just a mere imagination of my subconscious. Maybe because the recent incident that happened to a friend of mine regarding with her ex had something to with this. XDD Hahaha!! Ok.. I think I'm just making excuses here. XDD
Anyway, lately, as I've said before, I'm bumming around a lot. There so many pending works to be done! XD (GET YOUR ASS OFF AND DO IT ALREADY!!!) The main reason is because this distraction so-called the NET! Hahaha!! Yes! I blame it on the internet! HAHAHAHA!! Due to my current obsession which is the GazettE, and plus the fact there soooooo many related things on them on the net, I can't concentrate. HAHAHAHA!!! They are really an addictive band~ XDD And I have 7 years of the GazettE related stuffs to catch up on~ XDD It's only now that I started knowing/listening to them and they've been around for seven years already. So yeah~ XDD When I'm obsessing for something I go for it 110%! For example, I happened to like a certain song, I would listen to it day and night on a loop~! XD That's what I did when I hear Yui's Again and Miho Fukuhara's Let It Out~~~ So yeah, my latest obsession is the GazettE! ♥♥♥♥~
And with that I leave you with this~ ( *drools~* )
PS: It will be only a few days before November 1 and usually we spend it at the cemetery. Definitely this year, I will go. I'll visit my dad whom I miss dearly. It's not really the same without him. *sigh* Dad, I'll be seeing you soon! *hugs*
PS: It will be only a few days before November 1 and usually we spend it at the cemetery. Definitely this year, I will go. I'll visit my dad whom I miss dearly. It's not really the same without him. *sigh* Dad, I'll be seeing you soon! *hugs*
- Mood:
dorky - Music:alice nine - Yami Ni Chiru Sakura
From their new single, Before I Decay~
Disclaimer: Before anything else, all photos uploaded in this entry does not belong to me. They belong to GazettE. Photos were found using Google and Facebook. Enjoy~Hahaha!!!
Another group photo of the GazettE~ <3<3<3
Thanks to a friend of mine, I've been converted to a GazettE fan~! Lol! She asked me to download one of their song and in an instant I love them~ I've been listening and watching videos of them for 4 days now. Hahaha!! Before and after I go to sleep, I listen/watch them~ They're so great. I especially love their live performances. Their an awesome musician. How I wish I could play like them. TAT (though I've quit playing guitars many many years ago) And especially when I saw, Uruha~! Man oh man! >///////< Yes, I'm crushing on Uruha~!! URUHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! <3<3<3<3
They are all great - Ruki, Kai, Keita, Aoi and Uruha... Oh man~ Uruha!! He plays the guitar soooo good (also Aoi) but I swear, especially in concerts, he plays his guitar as if he's making love with it. Hahahaha!!! He's so smexy! o3o So from this point onward MOAR URUHA LOVE~! Hahaha!!
Ok, I'll stop there now. Hahahah!! I'm being rendered speechless anyway with those captions. XDDD
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
kynasylvia pointed to me that, he reminds her of Mukuro Rokudo... I don't care if he does 'coz both of them are love~ hahaha!! But but.. Uru is different from Muku. I see them as entirely different. Hahaha!!! Uru-chan is freakingly beautiful while Muku-chan can also be beautiful but in a more manly way. Hahahah!!! Actually, I think I'm developing a gender crisis. XDD I'm really confused about my gender. Lol! I'm crushing a guy who is awesomely gorgeous and I'm also crushing a girl who is beautifully handsome. Has the world turned upside down? Guys being beautiful and girls being handsome?? Lol!! Besides that, I found out, I think I have a lips fetish. If you could call it a fetish. Lolz! I tend to notice my crushes lips. >////< They're always soo kissable. Hahahaha!!!!! URUHAAAAAAAAAA~!!!!!!!!!! <3<3<3*breathes in, breathes out*
For other stuffs, I've watched the FMA: Brotherhood episode 26. WAAAAAAA!!!!!!! The last part was awesomeeeeee!!!!! The way Ed called for his brother Al. The way he said "Alphonse" made me teary eyed. And the way he opened the door again just to promise his brother that he will get him out of there. \(TAT)/ This anime (for me) is sooooo epic! I'm glad that
kynasylvia poked me in watching it again and also reading the manga. Thanks kyn!!So that's for now. Hahaahah!! I'll go now~ Ciao!!!! 8D
- Mood:
loved - Music:Saraba - the GazettE
As all of you know, last weekend was a pain. Ondoy (Ketsana) having struck havoc in the Philippines and our house is one of the houses affected by it. ;A; Though I was stranded in Makati, I really can't relax knowing that our house where slowly being submerged in water. The flood we experienced that day was far worst when Rosing hit our country last 2000 (I think). That time the water was only knee or thigh deep inside our house but Ondoy almost reached our 2nd flr! *faints* Now, there's another typhoon coming, Pepeng (Parma). Though it's not going to hit Manila directly, this super typhoon will wreck havoc in other provinces. AGGGHH!!! Flood... flood... floood.. x.x Hopefully, it won't cause that much but I doubt it. >A<
Have you heard that the flood in some part of Laguna will remain until December?! OMG!!! Those families... and Christmas is just around the corner. TAT
- Mood:
nervous - Music:Gazette - Filth in the Beauty
( Random emo-ish entry... XD )
And listening to Kate Miller Heidke's song Last Day on Earth doesn't help either. XD
PS: I went to Manila International Book Fair... My mom drag me there, and I thought it was a good timing to see if there's any mangas being sold at a discounted price there but unfortunately there were NONE.. OTL.. Most books are educational books... o(-A-)o (then why must they call it a book fair if it does not cater to all TAT) But then again, I ended up buying 3 books... now I don't know how to read them all... /swt I bought 2 of Paulo Coehlo's books 'coz I've been interested in his books a few years back... And hey, it's discounted so *kaching* 8D And a book of Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle... what compelled me to buy this book is because it's a 600+ pages book for P149 only. Not bad. Not bad at all. Hahaha!! Besides, I kinda took a liking to his writing when I read Norwegian Wood. But really it was cheap and who am I to decline. Lolz! And good thing I took it out of the shelf because minutes later when I passed by it again, the stacked books are all gone. o.O;;
Look down - the ground below is crumbling
Look up - the stars are all exploding
It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams
Between the dust and debris
There's a light surrounding you and me
It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams
And you hold me closer than I can ever remember being held
I'm not afraid to sleep now, if we can stay like this until
It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams
In my head I repeat our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me - I love to lose my mind
And every time andybody speaks your name I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
- Mood:
lonely - Music:Last Day On Earth - Kate Miller Heidke
Happy 60th Birthday, Dad~!! I wish you were here with us.
Anyway, we're gonna visit you're grave later this day.
I miss you so much. You're presence without here has a major impact on us.
I wish you could have spend you're 60th birthday in the grand way like you wanted.
But will always remember you. *hugs*
( Read more... )
- Mood:
nostalgic - Music:Kyosuke Hiromu feat. Gerard Way - Safe & Sound
LET IT OUT
Let it all out, Let it all out
Tsuyogaranakute iindane
Dareka ga kaitetta kabe no rakugaki no hana ga yureru
(Let it all out, let it all out
You don't have to act so brave
The graffiti flower that someone painted on the wall sways)
Jibunrashisa nante daremo wakaranaiyo
Nagai nagai michi no tochuu de nakushitari hirottari
Kyuu ni samishikunatte naichau hi mo arukedo
(Nobody knows who their real selves are
Losing and finding things in the middle of this long, long road
There are days where we feel alone and we feel like crying, but...)
Namida mo itami mo hoshi ni kaeyou
Ashita wo terasu akari wo tomosou
Chiisaku mayottemo futari de tsukurou
Hoshikuzu wo tsuyoku hikaru eien wo sagasou
(Change these tears and this pain into stars
Turn on the light that will shine on tomorrow
I may feel small and full of doubt
But together, we'll create stardust and search for an eternity that glows so brightly)
Let it all out, Let it all out
Tarinai koto darake dayone
Tarinakute iindane dakara kimi to deaetanda
(Let it all out, let it all out
I'm so full of weaknesses
Because I've met you, it's alright to not be good enough)
"Tashika" ga nannanoka sorega shiritakute
Chiisana NAIFU wo kutsushita ni kakushiteta
Tsuyogatte tsuita uso no hou ga zutto itakatta
(What will happen "for certain"? That's what I want to know
I hid a small knife in my sock
It always hurt to put on a brave face and lie)
Hontou wa kowaiyo dakedo ikiteku
Egao no kimi wo kaze ga nadeteku
Chiisana te kazashite futari de tsukurou
Hoshikuzu wo tsuyoku hikaru eien wo sagasou
(It's really frightening, but regardless we'll keep on living
The wind gently caresses your smiling face
We'll hold out our small hands and together
We'll create stardust and search for an eternity that glows so brightly)
Tadashii koto ga machigattetara dousurebaii?
Kanashii koto ga tadashikattara ukeirerudake?
Nakushita to omotteta demo kimi ga shitteta
Kimi ga ite hontou ni yokatta
(What should I do if I misjudge what is right?
If sad things are what's right, should I just accept it?
I thought I was lost, but then I knew you
I really am glad that you're here)
Namida mo itami mo hoshi ni kaeyou
Ashita wo terasu akari wo tomosou
Chiisana te kazashite futari de tsukurou
Hoshikuzu wo tsuyoku hikaru eien wo
(Change these tears and this pain into stars
Turn on the light that will shine on tomorrow
We'll hold out our small hands and together
We'll create stardust, an eternity that glows so brightly...)
Sayonara itsuka wa kurukamoshirenai
Kisetsu wa soredemo meguri megutteku
Chiisaku mayottemo aruiteku
Kimi to aruiteku soredake wa kawaranaideiyoune
(Farewells may come one day
But still, the seasons will come and go
I may feel small and full of doubt
But I'll walk, I'll walk with you
That's the one thing I'll never change)
fm_alchemist- Mood:
thankful - Music:Let It Out - Miho Fukuhara
I'm writing again. I just want to hear the keyboards clicking. Hahaha!!! Anyway, this entry is much much lighter to the previous entry. I don't want to think about it 'coz quite frankly I'm still irritated.
Anywayyyyyy.... I've been putting off things lately. I have 4 months of bookkeeping reports to type; 5 cosplay related things to do - 4 props and 1 costume detailing. Hahaha!! Out of the 4 props, 3 of which I was planning to do earlier this year but somehow I have procrastinated too much for my own good. Now I only have like 1.5 months to do it. Hahahah!! Oh well, I'm planning on scratching one out. It's either the plushie or the prop itself. If I don't get the materials by September I might not do the props at all. Hahaha!! Or maybe do a simpler props for that character. I'm not feeling on doing it yet, but I'll do it. And besides I still have to buy somethings like glue and stuffs.
Well for now, it's been two days since I started reading random mangas. Hahaha!! Hmm.. nothing in particular but mostly BL mangas. Hahahaha!! I do read those stuffs especially when I was in high school. But unlike before, I don't gush over it that much. I also started reading Rust Blaster. I think the author, Toboso Yana, also the author of Kuroshitsuji, has some inkling to BL's. Hahaha!! It's just that the main character and supporting characters are mostly males. Hahaha!! But I haven't finished on reading it yet even if it's only six chapters. I'm kinda lazy. Hahahaha!! Sometimes I just wanna read light mangas and do away with all the magic, angel/demon, samurai, fairy and etc. stuffs.
I'm also cutting the details for a certain costume. Hohohoho!! After I'm finished I wish it will turn out okay. *prays* I hope it would look "natural". The costume detailing I'm doing is for a character that is annoyingly cute. Hahaha!! He is cute but quite sometimes can be quite annoying especially his antics. Hahaha!!
Ok... I have nothing left to say... Ciao for now~! *off to reading more mangas and cutting fabrics*
EDIT: OMG!!!!!!!! MUKURO IS BACK!!!!!!! XDDDDD I've read the spoiler for the next chapter of KHR and and and MUKU-CHAN IS BACKKKKK~!!!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3 After MIA-ing (since chp 169) for soooo longgg he's back~ <3<3<3<3 XDDD *done fangirling XD*
Anywayyyyyy.... I've been putting off things lately. I have 4 months of bookkeeping reports to type; 5 cosplay related things to do - 4 props and 1 costume detailing. Hahaha!! Out of the 4 props, 3 of which I was planning to do earlier this year but somehow I have procrastinated too much for my own good. Now I only have like 1.5 months to do it. Hahahah!! Oh well, I'm planning on scratching one out. It's either the plushie or the prop itself. If I don't get the materials by September I might not do the props at all. Hahaha!! Or maybe do a simpler props for that character. I'm not feeling on doing it yet, but I'll do it. And besides I still have to buy somethings like glue and stuffs.
Well for now, it's been two days since I started reading random mangas. Hahaha!! Hmm.. nothing in particular but mostly BL mangas. Hahahaha!! I do read those stuffs especially when I was in high school. But unlike before, I don't gush over it that much. I also started reading Rust Blaster. I think the author, Toboso Yana, also the author of Kuroshitsuji, has some inkling to BL's. Hahaha!! It's just that the main character and supporting characters are mostly males. Hahaha!! But I haven't finished on reading it yet even if it's only six chapters. I'm kinda lazy. Hahahaha!! Sometimes I just wanna read light mangas and do away with all the magic, angel/demon, samurai, fairy and etc. stuffs.
I'm also cutting the details for a certain costume. Hohohoho!! After I'm finished I wish it will turn out okay. *prays* I hope it would look "natural". The costume detailing I'm doing is for a character that is annoyingly cute. Hahaha!! He is cute but quite sometimes can be quite annoying especially his antics. Hahaha!!
Ok... I have nothing left to say... Ciao for now~! *off to reading more mangas and cutting fabrics*
EDIT: OMG!!!!!!!! MUKURO IS BACK!!!!!!! XDDDDD I've read the spoiler for the next chapter of KHR and and and MUKU-CHAN IS BACKKKKK~!!!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3 After MIA-ing (since chp 169) for soooo longgg he's back~ <3<3<3<3 XDDD *done fangirling XD*
- Mood:
okay - Music:Kanade - Ayaka & Sukima Switch
Maybe, I'm the wrong one here. I'm just stubborn to admit it. But then again, parents could be stubborn too. The root of it all is some petty arguments that could have been not a big deal. But why answer in such a hostile manner? Like I'm trying to be the authoritative one. Is it because I'm a kid, just a mere child? I'm just trying to say the fact because I'm the one seeing it and not you. I'm the one who's always here and not you. I guess from now on I'm going to keep my mouth shut to prevent this shitty feeling.
Gah! I feel so lonely now. This blog is the only refuge I could go to now. Being coup up inside this house for God knows how long is also straining me. The only time I could be myself and feel relax is when I'm with my friend(s). But you don't let me because of the circumstances - the only thing that's keeping me in contact of the "outside" world. Now, I have no where to go. I now understand my father for having a "place" for refuge. I miss being with my friend(s) every weekend. Just the freedom of being outside because that's the only time I could be real. This feels so lonely. Times like this how I wish I'm working at a graveyard shift or even owning my own condo or apartment or house. I know that doesn't make any sense. Aggh! How I wish I have a place of refuge where I could let go of this shitty feelings and smoke to my hearts content. And BE THE REAL ME.
The saying is true, that you'll only feel the importance of a certain thing when it's already gone. My life has taken a 360° turn. This house will be much much lonelier in the succeeding months. Even though, I'm not close to everyone, still this house will feel emptier than usual.
- Mood:
crappy - Music:Aerith no Theme - Final Fantasy
- Mood:
melancholy
As I watched it, it's as if it's my first time again to watch FFAC. XDD Somehow, over the years I've completely forgotten the story and the movie, though some parts are familiar, but mostly I don't remember it. OTL I'm soooooooo gonna watched it again. :))
Anyway, Kadaj is <3<3<3 He's so lonesome and wants the warmth of a mother... (Come here~ And I'll give you warmth! Hahaha! >////<) The final scene was TAT... awww... Kadaj.... I can't say anymore but only KADAJJJJJJJ!!!!!!!!! <3<3<3<3<3
Sepphy-baby is also <3<3<3 but but.. I'm leaning towards more to Kadaj. XDD I don't what is it with me and gay-ish characters. XDD
"Is that you...Mother?"
I really love love this scene~ <3<3<3<3
I really love love this scene~ <3<3<3<3
- Mood: loved
There would be times that I would talk to myself pretending that I'm talking to my dad. Hoping that in some supernatural way he could hear me. I really wish he would visit me in my dreams. I want to hold him, talk to him and etc. I've been repeating myself over and over again. But really, I can't find myself not thinking of it.
Times like this I wish I have supernatural powers and send those bastards, whoever did this to my dad, to hell. If only I have Mukuro's powers and I would have already send those bastards to hell. Or how I wish that there is really a website for Jigoku Tsushin and I would ask Enma Ai for revenge. So many far-fetched wishes.
What happened to my dad has taken a toll on us especially to my mom, who as the days passed is starting to get tired from all the 'unfinished business' that my dad left. There's so many things to think of. So many things to be done. But I know in the end, after all this chaos, will be able to find justice for our dad. That's what we hope and pray.
Anyway, nothing much happened ever since my dad died. I'm almost always coup up in our house because who knows what danger lurks around. Because what happened to my dad is not a simple robbery case or an accident but a murder. How I wish that time travel is real. If only I could turn back time and re-live the moments with my dad. If I could come back again in the past, how I wish I could have warn him the danger that will occur that day. But all I have to do now is to accept... but it might take time... It might take years... until my dad's case put into rest. And dad is able to find justice.
I now can smile, eat and sleep... unlike that day, when everything seems a blur. All I could do was cry and my mind could not comprehend the things that happened. One moment I was with my dad and next thing I knew he was killed. Though I could smile now and do the things I usually do, my heart is still aching for the loss of a great man in our life. Dad, just for once, hopefully I could see you in my dreams.
- Mood:
gloomy
"Babalik pa ba si Daddy?"
Our househelper answered him...
"Hindi na. Pag nasa heaven na, dun na sya."
Then my little brother said...
"Kahit sungit si Daddy, alaala ko pa din sya."
----
**Translation
"Is dad still coming back?"
"Nope. Once he went to heaven, he won't be coming back."
"Eventhough dad is usually irritable, I still think of him."
----
Times like this I wished my dad was still with us. It breaks my heart to see him like that. It brings tears to my eyes. There's another incident wherein he has an assignment and he was asked to write a prayer. I helped him but I asked want he wanted to write, so the content is entirely his. He wrote:
Dear Jesus,
Paggalingin si Daddy. Miss ko na po si Daddy. Salamat po, Lord. Love Joel.
----
**Translation
Dear Jesus,
Make my Daddy healthy again. I miss my Daddy. Thank you, Lord. Love Joel.
----
How I wish that my brother didn't lose our father at an early age. It makes me frustrated and wished who ever did that to my dad will feel hell's wrath. Taking someone's life is NOT God's will but human's evil doing.
Dad, if you're reading this, I hope you're able to feel that we all miss you and love you. Even if you and Joel would always have petty arguments, hope you know he loves you very much.
(I'm sorry if you're tired of reading an entry about my dad but I really just miss him. And still couldn't accept that he died that way.)
- Mood: gloomy
- Music:Let It Out - Miho Fukuhara
Though I could smile from time to time, when I'm alone in my thoughts I would cry. As I'm typing this entry, I'm on the brink of crying again. How I wish I could have spend more time with him. While looking at my dad's things, here and there we stumble a prayer or two and I realized that for the last two years (from the files I saw) my dad is a lonely man. He was sad and I could feel it. How I wish I knew and I could have been there for him. Though I know he wouldn't share anything to me, I just wish for that last two years I could have put a smile on his face. How I wish I could have been an affectionate daughter to him. I miss him dearly. But I know I must live my life 'coz I know he wouldn't be happy if he saw us like this.
It's funny that the latest book that my dad bought has the title of "1001 Gardens You Must See Before You Die". I don't know if it's just coincidental or what. Well, at least he have seen it before he died, even if it's only in the book.
Everyday I would talk to him... saying to him to help us... saying I love... saying I miss you... saying all the things I could have said when he was living. There so many what if's... but I know they will all be what if's. Dad, if you're reading this I want to say again and again, I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU. =)
This major event in our life made me re-think of all the things I've done and how life is short lived. Compared to all the "problems" I've encountered this is by far the hardest and hurt the most. Years would pass and I would accept that my dad's already not with us but the pain of losing someone in that way will always remain.
I know this is irrelevant with my dad but I realized now how the Elric brothers (Fullmetal Alchemist) felt when they lost their mother. How painful it is and thinking if only you could turn back time. I only wish that you could revive someone, but I know it's impossible. I just wish that my dad is having the time of his life in the other life and seeing all the things he wants to see while he was still living.
As this entry's title state life must go on for me and for my family. Dad, wherever you are give us your guidance to get through the day.
----
( Other part of my life... )
That's pretty much how my life goes on this days. Surely, I'll be back out there... someday.
- Mood:
hopeful - Music:I Will Remember You - Sarah Mclachlan
My mother, brother and sister will soon work again and I'll be left alone with my little brother and house helpers and during those time, I'll probably miss my father. Seeing him walking around the house, lying in the couch in front the tv and watching his favorite shows. Words won't express how much I'll miss him. Dad, your last words to me I'll always keep them at heart. I'll try my best to be the daughter you want me to be.
During the first night without my dad, me and my family slept in one room. The room where my mom and dad sleeps. It heart breaks me not seeing my dad without us.
-----
DANCE WITH MY FATHER AGAIN - LUTHER VANDROSS
Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure
I was loved
If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again
Ooh, ooh
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah, yeah
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he
Would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear her, mama cryin' for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm prayin' for much too much
But could You send back the only man she loved
I know You don't do it usually
But Lord, she's dyin' to dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream.
- Mood: sad
There's only approximately around 8 hours or less before we say our final goodbye to my father. I'm sad that I won't ever see him again... breathing, talking, walking and etc. I've said this already like a broken record, I MISS YOU, DAD. You've been away from us for only a couple of days and this is how much I MISS YOU. What more when reality sinks in... It might take sometime before I could accept wholeheartedly that this is the reality that God gave for my family.
You know, dad, even if we don't talk to much whenever you're at home whenever you're not around I would always ask "Nasaan si Dad?" It has been like a mandatory question for me to ask that whenever you're not around. There are a lot of things I would miss about you. I would miss it whenever you'll call me or look for me because you have something for me to type in the computer. I also remember whenever you're getting dress, I usually ask "Saan ka pupunta?". I would miss you saying to us it's time for your favorite teleserye and after watching your favorite shows you would sleep and sometimes I would look at you. I would miss the times when you would ask me out of the blue to come with you to eat out or go golfing with you. I would miss those moments we shared together. I would miss seeing your face so relax whenever you're in your favorite place. I would miss everything about you, dad.
I want to stare your sleeping face inside your coffin all day, just to memorize every wrinkles and every corner of your face. I want to stay beside you until we say our final goodbye. I know you're happy there - the other side - I guess, you're making that place a haven of green pastures and a garden of roses. You're there sitting under a tree, feeling the wind hitting your face and smiling... feeling at peace.
Dad, I would probably continue writing to you over and over again. And probably I would say the same things over and over again. (So dad learn how to use a computer there, ok?) Dad, lend us your guidance. Dad, I want to hug, kiss and talk to you; say things I haven't said even if it's in a dream. As always, I want to say to you that I love you, my father.
- Mood: sad
He was a kind, gentle-hearted person. He was a good provider and a loving parent. It heartbreaks me that I loss him because of such incident.
I try to occupy myself with other things that's why you see me online. Surfing, chatting and whatever I could think of just to occupy myself and forget for a moment what happened to my father. But whenever I'm alone, I'm always crying and wishing this is all a bad dream and anytime soon I'll wake up from it. But as days passed, it seems all what has happen is real. My father is already dead and I have to accept that. But it's really hard 'coz his death was tragic and unjust.
I was the last person to be with him in my family before the tragic incident happened. If only I knew it was the last time I'll see him, I would have hug him tightly, kiss him and tell him how much I love him. If only I knew that those things would have happen, I wouldn't have let him go and told him just stay here with me and don't ever go. To me, I'm very close to my father. Though I don't share my secrets with him, I always felt that we have this special bond. We share a lot of things, even have the same style of sandals. I enjoyed every minute and every moment that I'm with him. How I wish I could turn back time and and re-live the moments that I'm with my father. I REALLY REALLY MISS HIM.
It seems so quiet now in our house. I remember he's always the first person to wake up. And everytime he wakes up he would come down, try to watch TV ("try" 'coz he always fell in and out of sleep everytime he watch). He would casually ask what time is it and when it's time to take his medicine, he would open the medicine cabinet rummage through the plastic and drink his medicine. If he saw me eating breakfast, he would ask what's the food, and if doesn't like it he would cringe and try to find another food to his liking. He would walk around in circles inside our house every morning. It's his form of exercise. I remember the look on face whenever he is in the garden taking care of his plants and fishes. He was a simple person. I see in him that he wants to live again in the countryside, away from all the hoopla of the city.
Dad, wherever you are I miss you so much. Sorry for the times, I've made face to your request or didn't oblige to your requests. I hope you know how much I love you. While you were still alive, I rarely able to say those words but I hope you knew. I hope now those words could reach you. I love you, Dad. I want to hug you tighly and don't want to ever let go! I'm proud to say that I'm your daughter and that I resembles you (many people say that). I want you to know I'm proud to have you as my father and I don't dream of replacing you. You did everything you could for this family and thank you for that. Even if you think it's not sufficient... Dad, I want to let you know YOU'RE AN AWESOME DAD! I LOVE YOU.
- Mood: sad
*whew* Good thing it wasn't |||OTL Blasted batteries!!
@^#&@^&*#^&*@@^#&@^&*#^&*@@^#&@^&*#^&*@@
IT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU THAT I ALMOST HA
Those batteries are a pain. Even if I charge them overnight those things easily loose it's battery life. *facepalm* I don't know if it's old that it's need changing. Oh what the heck?! It's still working so it's fine. I WON'T BUY 'COZ RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES ARE DAMN COS
Hahahaha!! When it comes to this I'm so cheap. But when buying pretty "useless" stuffs I buy them or WANT to buy them. Like the KHR figurines. LOL! Or me tempting to buy the FMA manga I saw in Trinoma but it's quite expensive since it's an import product. BUT REALLY I'M TEMPTED TO BUY!!!!!!!!!! T
DAMN FMA! I'M SOOOOOO ADDICTED TO YOU NO
Anyway, I went to my dentist for the TMJ theraphy and the dentist told me that I need braces after that... WTF?!?!?! Are you f*****g serious?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@^#&@^&*#^&*@@^#&@^&*#^&*@@^#&@^&*#^&*@@
*breathe in breathe out*
Ohh well, I'll just face it when the time comes which if my calculations are correct soon enough. Coz' I only have 2 more theraphy left and one is scheduled in August 3. And after that the last theraphy then comes phase 2 which are those f******g braces! TAT
- Mood:
distressed
I think I'm going to be sick! (Let's hope not! TAT) I've been coughing out phlegm and it hurts my throat like hell. It's a dry cough, mind you. It's one of the sickness I'm trying to avoid. I HATE COUGH! It's uncomfortable, disrupt your sleep (as if I'm sleeping, hahahaha!!) and furthermore IT HURTS! o3o
I hope I won't develop a fever. Usually when having cough I also develop fever. |||OTL
I think I smoke way too many for my own benefit last Wednesday when I met up with a friend. Though it's not that many, just a couple of sticks but combining it with cold softdrinks is baadddd!! TAT And I don't have a menthol candy accompanying the cigarette which what I usually do. Siiggh... Oh well, I'm gonna stay away from it until I recover. Right now, no more cold drinks. Hahahaah!!
Anyway, I've been listening to Yui's Again over and over and over and over and over... you get my point. Hahahaha!! I just love the song. Hehehe!!
And I just saw this in youtube~
Yui is pretty and the video rocks. Hahaha!! Or is it just me?~ Lolz! Yes! I'm still on my FMA high! Hahahaha!!!
- Mood:
sore - Music:Yui - Again
